Break up, Bipolars and PTSD

28 August 2020, we decided to go our separate ways after 2.5 years of turmoil in our relationship; a police investigation against him, a history of serial cheating, self destructive hitting etc. He had been seeing a therapist the past couple of months and may have Bipolar 2. He decided in his discovery of himself that he would rather open his world to other women to love, flirt and have sexual intimacy in his hypomania states (highs). He wants me to accept that while being in a "committed" relationship with me. I could not accede to that. I am already going through anxiety, nightmares every other day and PTSD from all the lies, manipulation, gaslighting and the witnessing of his hitting himself. I could not go through that sort of pain and distortion in his cognitive thinking. It hurts because the past couple of months he said he loved me more than everyone else and that he wants to do right by me for the rest of our lives. But now, he felt that he is unable to be exclusive and is unable to cope with my PTSD which he has caused. 

I am starting to find clarity that he is messed up and despite the possibility of his Bipolar 2, it does not justify the emotional and psychological abuse he has caused me. It does not justify the cheating. I am trying to convince myself that those things that happened were a manifestation of his possible mental illness and not of my lack of character and support. It is mentally draining to see a person shift moods so rapidly. It is mentally draining to witness a man who have a sex addiction that cannot be satiated. And he said so himself. He said he wants to move on and check on that girl who he was briefly with last year because she was also affected by the relationship, ironically.

I miss him, hate him and love him. Or clearly, I am sucked into the emotional turmoil of trauma bonding. It is only 2 days since I decided to go away, cut it off all social media, his numbers and accounts (most of it that is). And I am barely coping. I feel waves of chest pains. I have not been eating for 2 days. I barely sleep the last 2 nights. I cry in multiple short bursts in a day. It is unbearable this pain. It is unlike my divorce and many break ups. 

I am going for therapy under two different clinics soon out of desperation. He has left me feeling dead and empty. I am contemplating suicide too. My new home does not feel like a celebration; it only reminds me of hollowness and perpetual loneliness. I need to pick myself up and be that person that has it in her. 

I am broken now. But I will pull through once more.